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aprilblu
06 September 2009 @ 12:05 am
Hi!

This Sunday Sept.6, 2009 there are a few interesting open-to-the-public things going on...#1 At the UU church 9:30 am - 10:30 they are having the first of a series of classes for people who are interested in becoming a member. (I was told by the head of memberships there that the basic UU philosophy is something like...Let's practice being nice to each other while we are here on this planet together. I like that:) and I have enjoyed the people there quite a bit...feels like a nice family...another one...hehehe (At this point I've got my nice blood family, the nice coffee shop family, and the nice UU family.) #2 Carribean picnic @ Big Springs park Noon-? #3 Tarot Card Reading class the library in Madison behind Kroger off Humes 2pm-4pm ish. I hope I can make it to all of them.

I hope everyone is having a beautiful night.
Lots of Love,
April
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: peacefulpeaceful
Current Music: Hannah Montana movie
 
 
aprilblu
04 September 2009 @ 01:13 am
I now have a beautiful 13 month old daughter (who lives with her father in Birmingham because I am not supposed to lift her, and I am happy about this...her Dad is a wonderful man and doing a great job) , an 8 year old daughter who is healthy, beautiful, and happy, and another aneurysm (that I am living with daily because my doctor says it is stable, so I say, "AWESOME! No surgery for me!!!"...at least not anytime soon...I'd like to give prayer/love/natural healing/ anything that can work... a chance first.) I think I figured it out, and at this point I could have died at least 6 times beginning with a fall out of a 2 story building at the age of 1 1/2 yrs.

I must say that I don't see myself as very different than many others at this point in time...whereas I have thought, in the past, that I must live in some other reality. Mostly I decided to believe this because other people noticed a certain type of happiness or joy that I seemed to exude. I always heard so much about the struggles of others and wondered why my life was so "happy."

Well...I figured it out...I was seriously detached from my feelings. Sometimes in a healthy way, and other times in a not so healthy way...like when a best friend or lover felt like I was million miles away, and I had no clue what they were talking about. Well now I feel so much all the time that I have ended up in the emergency room because I really thought I had nothing to live for...there was so much pain, and I could not understand it (Was that me? Is it possible for one tiny *well, maybe not so tiny* human to feel that much sadness?) I know it is selfish...I have an amazing life...2 beautiful daughters, lots of wonderful friends and family, and just today I found out I have a new place to move. (Thank goodness because I do not want to go through being homeless again...I was lucky to have friends giving me couches to stay on, but after the open heart surgery I realized stability is very important.) So I have figured out that when traumatic events are going on stability is a must. (Actually at this point...all the time it has become a must.) At least for me....or I end up in the ER because my emotional heart is overwhelmed or my physical heart is breaking.

With that said...believe it or not I am headed towards some serious resurrection of Self and it is going to be wonderful. I watched Charlie's Angels tonight and thought..." That was ME!!!" I use to be the kick ass girl with a kind heart and now my ass is not so kickin', but my heart (although it has had it's own fair share of sadness and breaking) is still kind, and therein lies hope. I miss djing and I miss seeing all of the beautiful people that would come out and share Thursday nights with each other. I know we can not relive the past...but I do believe we can build upon it. I can't say when, where, or how...just that it is still in me to pull something magickal out of the ethers, and I know I will need help. Once I am stable...I will begin to reach out, and I am hoping there will be willing hearts and minds ready for action.

So that is it for now. I can't figure out how to use facebook yet...so I am enjoying revisiting livejournal. Anyone with whom I have lost touch...please know that you are still in my heart. I have just been overwhelmed. I would love to hear from you:)

Lots of Love,
Aprilblu
 
 
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
 
 
aprilblu
I have no idea how long it has been since I have posted! I am about 38 weeks pregnant and will be having Abi (Abigail Ann-Marie Nielsen) next week by c-section. Yea!!! Lily was a natural birth , and I don't ever care to feel that kind of pain again. No thank you:) I am grateful that Abi will be gently removed, and I won't feel much of anything. I think next to open heart surgery this will be a pleasant experience. I know...it sounds crazy, but that is how I feel:) We thought we had about 3 more weeks to go, so this is all little last minute.

My baby shower/ celebration is this Saturday...only 3-5 days (we find out the exact day on Thursday) before Abi will be coming into the world.

Just in case anyone does not know...Dan Nielsen is the daddy. He is a wonderful dad to Lily, and I can't wait to see him with this baby. He loves babies, and I really think he is gonna just have the time of his life raising this little girl.

Anyone is welcome to come to our baby celebration this Saturday. It is at the Universalist Unitarian church on Governors Dr. from 5-7 pm. I have not been feeling so well, and I have just tried spread the word as best as I can instead of giving formal invitations. If you know Dan &/or I...you're invited! It is a potluck...so bring something to share, and the only thing we request for the baby is a donation to the baby's cloth diaper fund. (The diapers I want to get are about $18 ea.) Even if you can't give a donation to the fund...please join us anyway for food and fun with friends and family!!! Vanessa Miller is the mastermind behind this celebration, and is creating all sorts of silly stuff for us to do:) I am sure we will have lots of fun!!! I love you!!! Bye!!!

Love,
Aprilblu
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
 
 
aprilblu
09 November 2007 @ 09:55 am
Hi!!! I am finally posting again on lj. Many things have happened since I last visited these pages. After searching through forever...I have finally found my true love, and we are a cuddly ball of sweet love:) Many of you know how long I have dreamed of this, and we are just getting started. He is incredibly sweet, gentle, playful, and wonderful with Lily. I am having so much fun with him:) I can't wait to get everyone together so we can all PLAY!!!

The other amazing news is that my mom is buying Lily and I a house!!! She came into town this week and we went house shopping! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! It has been a long time since I have had a real home, and you guys know what that means...PARTY PARTY PARTY!!! The house that I think she is gonna buy is perfect for entertaining...in a super fun family way. YEA!!! We can take the other party craziness to the club! (I still have ideas for a club night at Insomnia, but I am waiting to see what happens after the new year there are many creative elements that need to come together first.)

My job (Managing the Juice Bar in the UAH fitness center) is AWESOME!!! I am just so happy...I hope this love flows out of this entry and and into every one of your hearts!!! (Especially those who are in need right now...I send you shiny sparkly love like the twinkling of the stars to warm your precious hearts like a cozy winter fire...pronounced "fir"...southern style...that hillbilly side from my father has to come out sometime...hehehe!) You are all dear to me...even if we haven't met! I LOVE YOU!!!

Bye!
Hugs and snuggles,
April
 
 
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Something I made up in my head
 
 
aprilblu
12 September 2007 @ 08:26 pm
Hi!  
Hi everyone!!! I have been very busy, and I don't have internet access at home. I got a lovely job as manager of the UAH Fitness Center's Juice Bar! Yippee!!! (I always end up in management positions:) Maybe this is a sign that I am becoming sane again...medication is on the way soon...thank goodness. I use to think that I needed to express my emotions more, but now I say, "FORGET THAT!!!" I'm exhausted!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! Have a beautiful day:) MEOW!!!

Love,
Aprilblu
 
 
Current Location: Jim and Dan's house
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: ?Something wonderful
 
 
 
aprilblu
13 August 2007 @ 12:17 am
Hi!  
I feel so much better about things now. My family has responded to my need for support on every level, and I feel so very loved. I am going to get some help from the mental health center for being bipolar, and I believe this may be the answer to the reason why I have had such a hard time getting my life together. I feel hopeful and I am very happy that my family is really helping out. They are even educating themselves on the bipolar condition so they can understand what I have been going through.

Thanks to everyone who reached out to me during a couple of intense depressions recently. I LUV YOU!!! Soon I shall be medicated (slightly...I am not severely bipolar...just enough to throw me off track if I am dealing with big stresses.) I hope to be back to my balanced happy self very soon. Wish me luck...I am a little scared of drugs, but I feel like I need the help.

Sweet Dreams,
Love,
April
 
 
Current Location: Nessa's
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
 
 
aprilblu
31 July 2007 @ 12:49 pm
This is what I have been repeating to myself since last night to try and deal with what is happeneing today...I will be losing everything that I own because I have no way to pay my storage. Things have not gone the way that I had hoped. I am trying to use my spiritual knowledge to help myself feel better about this. Losing all of this opens me up for something new...hopefully wonderful. It is only stuff...right? The only pictures I have of Lily as a baby...all of my artwork from my whole life...an antique vanity that I got to keep from my grandmother's house after she died...all of Lily's toys...all of the special little gifts given to us from friends and relatives...dishes...furniture...our home in a box...will be gone today. I thought I could pull it together...I thought that I would be able to be mom and dad, but I have failed.

I feel like this journey has been too much for me...I am a delicate Soul. In a way I wiah I could turn off whatever happened when I became a mom. I use ro keep everything under control...everything inside me. If I needed to be a certain way...I would do it, and I could be anything. Once I became a mother...I had no control anymore. I am not someone who could leave my child. I stayed with her and only took work when she could come with me. It was really rough emotionally...mostly just being alone...never having anyone who held me as I cried because I had been pushed too far beyond what I could handle...and still I had to be there for Lily.

At the same time, my body was falling apart...the anuyrism (sp?) was causing me to feel exhausted beyond everything else. My family just thought I was lazy. I started to believe them...and at the same time I could not do much about it. I would have tiny bursts of energy and sanity every once in awhile...but mostly I felt exhausted and I was losing hope. I finally had a breakthrough...KaffeeKlatch daytime job, signed Lily up for daycare, and friends who committed to helping us with a place to stay for 2 months. My second day of work and Lily's first day of daycare I ended up in the emergency room. So much for feeling it all come together. I had a dissection of the ascending aeortic vessel...and SURPRISE!...an anyurism the size of a grapefruit that could burst and kill me at any moment. I just had to hope I did not die for the next 2 months as the dissection healed on it's own. And then I could have the open heart surgery if I was still alive. Well...that is all I can write...now I am crying...this is too mush for me to have gone through and be expected to function like a good little human. I will be ok. Please send love and blessings and hugs. Thank you.

love,
April
 
 
aprilblu
27 July 2007 @ 01:31 pm
I am so excited to go to Tabu tonight...I have missed seeing everyone, and I can't wait to make-a-de-love with the dance floor!!! Yea!!! I hope everyone comes out:) I am feeling much better comapred to the past few days, and I hope I can maintain this joyful vibe. See you later! MEOW!!!

Love,
Aprilblu
 
 
Current Location: current sleep spot
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: kitties purring
 
 
aprilblu
20 July 2007 @ 11:18 pm
I just tried to find Tabu, and could not. Plus now I am out of gas and money and I am at a friends house that is a disaster. I am doing my best to be grateful to be here...but it smells like cat pee and there is ickiness everywhere. I just cried on the way here because I don't know what to do. I feel like I am drowning. I went downtown and just felt terribly alone. No deep conversations...no magic spinning out of the skies (usually I feel this by myself). I want to get on my feet, but I don't have any minimal financial support I can count on. All of my energy goes to trying to remain positive and keep up the hope. I just feel like I am gonna fall apart. The most important thing to me in life has never happened, and sometimes I wonder why the fuck I am here. God...I wish I had someone to hold me right now. There is no way I can be a mother anymore without support. I can't even help myself. I feel useless and alone. I wish this feeling woudld go away. If only I could have made it to dance...that is how I help myself...how I release the despair. I'm sorry if this scares anyone...I'll be fine. I am trying to be more open about my feelings...I'm not always able to maintain my optimistic attitude. Please send me some love and some dancing dreams.

love,
April
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
 
 
aprilblu
18 July 2007 @ 01:40 am
I feel so confused...I do not feel loved...I feel judged and attacked.(not going into details) I want to do what is best for myself and my daughter and all I can do is cry right now. I want to know what is real. I thought dedicating myself to the people I love would and staying in Huntsville would be what is best. I may be missing something...how important is a location? If what I want is nowhere to be seen in one place then does it really make sense to move? I need some grounded advice because my "spiritual path" has taught me that the same issues will follow me wherever I go...does this include material things? Things such as better job opportunities doing what I love...art school...better financial and emotional support for single moms (support groups with like minded moms), more interaction with my brother (family), opportunities to pursue any artistic avenue I want, better public school system, etc...

I think I may have just figured it out myself...but I am just gonna see what happens. I would still love to hear some gentle advice. I feel fairly delicate right now...so please be kind.

Love,
April